Perception, Regardless of Definition

I've got an amazing roommate, and we have really intense conversations on topics that seem to find us; often coming out of no where. Due to this, we've discussed some very controversial topics and I've realized how my opinion differs from hers, and therefore, from the majority of traditional conservative Christendom. I won't get into some of the more scandalous of my views, but I did want to touch on the topic of abuse. Of the first three definitions, implying misuse, mistreatment, and speaking harshly or unjustly to or about, it's the fourth definition that speaks of what I want to address: to commit sexual assault upon.

Firstly, I have to express my bias on this subject, as a victim, as well as a sibling, niece, aunt, daughter, and friend to victims. I do not like abusers, of any variety, but especially these kinds of abusers. They exercise their will over another human being, subjecting them not only to the sexual abuse, but to emotional and physical abuse, and not just at the moment of the offence, but every day of that person's existence thereafter. I have, literally, not gone a single day without thinking of it, or it's effects on me.

Several months ago I was on a public chat client which pairs you, randomly, with a stranger. Most frequently I talk to them as though I'm a alien (that's the easiest sentient and intelligent creature I can think of who could be asexual, which allows me to avoid the "asl" question with some humour), but I was frank (although dishonest regarding age and circumstance) with one individual who identified himself as an 18 year-old male from Wales. He admitted that when he and his friend were both six years-old, they performed fellatio on each other, at the request of the other boy. This individual viewed it as a case of "boys being boys", and claimed to be heterosexual, and told me he didn't abuse drugs or alcohol, nor was he promiscuous. Deviance of these varieties is a noted effect of sexual abuse, and while I expected very different answers from him, it follows the line of reasoning I developed from the conversation: perception of one's role is more important than popular opinion or the law, to the individual.

After I had this conversation, my roommate came into our living area and I discussed it with her. I respect my roommate and her opinions, but I also disagree with what she says on occasion, and this was one of those occasions. She said, regardless of what that young man felt, he was a victim. With all due respect to her, from what I know of her, she can't ever empathize with a victim of abuse. She can absolutely sympathize with me and people like me, but empathy is a vastly different thing. The law would disregard this young man's experience, as neither participant was mentally superior to the other, and as the young man claimed in our discussion, he was curious. "Boys being boys", would be the response. While his experience and mine are extremely different, he viewed his experience in, almost, a positive light; it was just him and his friend being silly little kids. He experienced no heightened levels of deviance and felt he was mentally and emotionally sound.

As far as abuses go, I consider myself lucky. Yes, lucky. "Gasp! But how?!" The only way to answer that is to explain a bit: I was abused as a very young child by an individual very close to me. I don't remember the actual abuse, which I am thankful for, but I recall the before, and after. What followed was my period of repression (and unexplained behaviour, the "acting out" stage of my childhood), remembrance of the event, and then acceptance. I won't go into detail regarding the event, but I will address the repression, remembrance and acceptance.

Repression: in psychoanalytic theory, the basic defence mechanism that banishes anxiety-arousing thoughts, feelings, and memories from consciousness. This was one of Freud's theories, and while I typically dismiss Freud (by way of example, Freud later explained that our lust for our other-sex parent isn't remembered due to repression), this is one I do accept, having experienced it myself. Most people believe repression does occur, but a load of memory researches disbelieve in the regular happening of repression. Given the population of our planet, however, "rarely" becomes less rare. Back to it, Freud did say that with patience and effort, the repression could be broken into and the memory retrieved later, either by a cue or during therapy. While I did undergo therapy, it was not while in a session with some brain-picker that my repression was breached. When I remember it, I often think of the repression as being something like a wall, concealing the memory from my consciousness. Remembrance occurred when that wall, for whatever reason, was removed.

After having the event repression, I knew, without knowing what had happened, that something was wrong. Something happened to me that wasn't right, and in my confusion I acted out: I hid under my bed, almost daily, before being awoken for school; I refused to participate in class, to write tests; I became disinterested in spending time with previously close friends and would get into fights. After my parents separated, I began attending a new school, but I continued to act out. While I was deviant in the traditional ways, it was only in minor degrees. I figured at the time that the way I was acting was just a reflection of what people did. It wasn't until my remembrance of the abuse that I realized it was the cause of my deviance.

I am not a traditional survivor of abuse, but I don't hold myself up as some kind of beacon that all other victims and survivors 'ought to look to for guidance. I believe, were it not for my introduction to and acceptance of my faith, I would have ended up as a traditional statistic of child abuse.

You may have noticed that I started using the word "survivor", as well as "victim". Our perceptions are important, they enable us to define ourselves, which I believe is more important than how others would define us. Victims are acted upon, while survivors act. Victims are defined by what others have done to them, while a survivor has taken that experience and added into their chronicle of events that have helped shape who they are.

There's a scripture in the New Testament that says that "... God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." Let's take the word tempt and look at it with its obsolete meaning: to try, or to test. So, like a good math professor who wouldn't give an AP calculus test to his eighth grade students, God is not going to laden us with a test that is beyond our capabilities. To be able to deal with the test, to handle it, God supplies us with a way. This scripture has always meant a great deal to me for this reason. Yes, I was abused, and it was horrible and awful and shouldn't have happened, but it did. It, along with many, many other experiences, have shaped who I am. While I don't see myself speaking to my abuser again in the future, I wouldn't change the past even if I could.

So many things, so little time...

I keep saying I have all these things in the works, and I do, but when am I going to make time for them? I just don't know. Each of them are relatively large projects, so when will I make time for them? When I have some.

I suppose this is just a heads-up to say my life for the next four days will be completely full, and so no posts should be expected of me.
I finally sent my YouTube friend a response (actually, I did that about a week and a half ago), which covered the prophecies of those prophets from the Bible which went unfulfilled. I don't think he expected what I sent, but I'm checking daily for a response, so we'll see.

The Vancouver Temple open-house has finished, and here are the stats:
39,500 people through
100,000 cookies eaten

I think we were hoping for around 50,000 people to go through, but 40,000 is quite a formidable host. Anyway, the Temple Youth Celebration is very ready to go forward. The youth are pumped, and so are the counselors! I'll post photos, news, etc., on Monday. The actual youth performance is on Saturday, and the prophet, for whom the youth will be performing (as well as thousands of locals), will be in attendance. The dedication of our Temple is on Sunday, which makes May 2, my new favourite day of the year.

As I walked into my room, I heard President Monson's voice through my computer. So it turns out I had left iTunes on, and it was playing a CES fireside from last year. I walked in on it where there was about 10 minutes left, and he was saying, "Beware the flashy start, and the fade-out finish." This was especially profound since I've made a commitment to listen closely to, and follow specific promptings. One which comes to mind occurred this past Saturday: I was watching TV with my friend, and when he left I searched through the listings and found that Dexter was on. Now, unfortunately this wasn't the Dexter from Dexter's Laboratory, this was Dexter the blood-spatter analyst by day, homicidal maniac by night. I love crime shows, and when I do actually watch TV, I tend to tune into shows like Cold Case Files, or American Justice. Anyway, so my first urge is to turn Dexter on, and so I change the channel and it goes through the warning, "coarse language," OK, "mature content," yeah, "violence," understandable, "nudity and sexuality," huh, not so cool. Well, the only thing I hear in my brain is, "change the channel." I try for about, 2 seconds, to rationalize my way out of it, but I give in and change the channel.

My thoughts are a little scattered, but I was doing some chores today and something I thought was, "if it was hard for me growing up, I can't imagine what it'll be like for my kids." And I can't. But if I'm doing what God wants me to do, then I'll be in a place to help them through the difficulties that their day will bring.


Anyway, there's a great need to listen to the prophet, because he is after all, God's mouthpiece to the world. By listening to him, we'll become more able to tune into what God wants for us, and what He wants us to do. The sooner we make the necessary changes in our life to allow ourselves to be influenced by the Holy Spirit, the sooner we can experience the joy that comes with those changes. I can vouch for that - and the fact that these are lifelong opportunities we're given to change.

Perfect Parents...

...Just don't exist. No matter how hard a person tries, they'll never be capable on their own of being perfect, let alone being a perfect parent. This post has been incited by watching my siblings parent their own children.

It's an awful thing to say, but one of the best things about being one of the younger siblings in a family is that you get to learn from the mistakes your older siblings make. Going by this, one might assume that the more mistakes your siblings make, the fewer you're apt to make. Sometimes though, we're just so hands-on in our own lives we can't help but make decisions that wind up being "mistakes."

In my opinion, we should only classify something as a mistake if we've learned nothing from it. I disagree with the idea that a mistake is something wrong, or a decision made in error. Perhaps a decision leads to adverse consequences, but even good decisions can have those kinds of consequences. Since Valentine's Day is two days from now, let's use a semi-related example. A woman marries the man she loves. Unfortunately the woman's father, let's say, doesn't approve of this young man. If the emotions involved are extreme enough, the father may choose to cut himself off from his daughter and her developing family. It's a perfectly legitimate decision made by the woman, but at least one consequence in this scenario isn't so good.

Anyway, as I do, I've gotten off-topic. Sort of.

Just as "good" decisions can have adverse consequences, "bad" decisions can, conceivably, have positive consequences. To clarify: I'm not advising that we go out and make a bunch of bad decisions to determine which have positive or negative consequences. I am of the belief that although "mistakes" are made, there can be consequences that are blessings in disguise. I've felt the reverberations of such a decision. When my niece was conceived there were doubts about the abilities of my brother and his later, wife, in raising a child. But we need something to set us off to begin the process of growth and development.

Anyway, I'm not advocating that a couple who wants some change in their routine should have a baby, especially if they aren't in a financially, or an emotionally stable position.

But who am I? I'm single and happy (not saying that people who aren't single are unhappy), and as my mother would point out, I'm in no place to give advice on parenting. But, as I hope one day to be in such a position, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking out information posted by the experts: parents. The points that follow also have a deep meaning for me, as I've been raised with and without some of the following, and I'm watching the children around me being raised with and, more often, without.

One comment I've come across repeatedly is to put your children first. Yes, you need to spend time with your partner, but it's also vital to remind yourself that everything you do has an effect on your child(ren). Don't be a parent whose motto is "Do as I say, not as I do."

I've seen and experienced far too much of parents not showing love and affection to their children. A line I often heard when I was around 15 was, "Why can't you be more like (insert name here)?" which did not seem, to my mother, to have the desired result. I guess I was expected to, through this line, somehow emulate that person who, for whatever reason, fit the moment. Parents can never be too loving. And loving here means a show of affection and warmth. Spoiled children result when something is given to them in place of love, like material objects, or leniency.

Children need discipline. Children crave discipline. I know I did. Without discipline, rules, guidelines, children don't know what is expected of them. Physical discipline is the worst kind a parent can use. It leads to physical fighting amongst siblings, as well as to physical fighting with other children. As children, my siblings and I experienced physical discipline, and it's easy to trace our old problem-solving "skills" back to the kind of discipline we experienced as children. Consistency goes along with discipline. It's vital. They need it. Without it, as without rules and guidance, children don't know where the line has been drawn.

I've seen, for a long time, children being left to watch TV while their sitters or parents do something else, like playing games on the computer or Xbox or something. Not only has it not been shown that children, especially young ones, actually understand the concept of a television and understand that they're just images projected onto a screen, but it hinders development. As our brains are constantly making connections, restricting a child to simply watch something deprives them of the opportunity to even make those connections. Children need to use their hands, to experience things around them. The more ways in which a child learns, the more connections their brains make, and the more accomplished they tend to be in the future.

Children shouldn't have to bear their parents burdens. I find it inappropriate whenever I hear someone talking to their child like they're talking to a friend. Let your child be a kid! They should only ever have to worry about kid things: which colours mixed together make orange, or how they can capture the family cat so they can have a make-believe zoo.

Finally, on a note that touches close to home with me, children 'ought not to be left to their own devices. They need supervision, they need activities and games to occupy their time. They need to develop their relationship with their parents, and parents need to develop their relationships with their children. What better way to do this than to play with them? To see the world from a child's point of view, in my eyes, is a blessing that shouldn't be squandered so you can have an hour or two online to check on your Facebook updates or games. Children aren't children forever. From what I've been told, it's not uncommon to wake up and realize your children are grown up, despite the fact that it "seems like only yesterday," we lament, that children were crawling around, being given baths and playing "House."